Sunday, July 03, 2011

Logic Dictates

I have a decision facing me, or rather staring me in face (and has been for a while), but I am, or rather have been trying to avoid it. However, like most distasteful things, it can not be ignored forever, and today is the day to stand up, face this decision, and move on with my life.

It is a tough decision, or else I would have made it by now. It seems that postponing the decision doesn't really help a whole lot, and just makes the 'paying the piper day' just more difficult. It is a decision that I HAVE to make, not one that I want to make. Therein lies the rub. The (small) feeling part of me, and despite my best attempts, I do still have feelings, really doesn't want to make this decision. Which is understandable, since it will be the feeling part of me that is going to suffer the pain. Of course, there is a theory that states that it serves me right. If you don't want to have your feelings hurt, then just don't have fucking feelings. Good, sound, logical theory, and I try my best (which is rarely good enough) to follow the theory at all times. 

Sadly, though the feeling part of me decided to take a turn at the wheel, and here I am having to make a decision that will hurt my feelings. That is what happens when logic turns its back even for a second, the feeling part takes over, and runs us aground.  Of course, feeling part of me, the one who created this shipwreck, is useless in a crisis, and just rushes about wringing his hands and generally acting like a twit.  Logical me, the real me, the me I want to be has to climb on board, and attempt to keep the 'ship of me' from sinking.

Unfortunately flawed as well, because logical me isn't all logic. Logical me has one really big flaw, and that is he has a temper. I am not sure if anger is a feeling, an emotion, or both, but it is rarely logical. Logical me carries this temper/anger around on his sleeve, it is not hard to see, and it is very close to the surface. Sometimes logical me lets his temper go, and the results are not pretty to see. However, when the logical part of me tries hard enough that temper/anger he wears like a badge of honour is cold. It is when he goes cold inside that logical me becomes the animal I need him to be.  Because 'feeling' me is going to get us hurt, and hurt badly. Logical me is not a fan of feeling me, and one day logical me is going to sort feeling me out for good.

However, until that glorious day arrives, logical me will just have to cleanse the wounds dealt by feeling me the best he can. The problem is, that logical me isn't feeling me, he uses gasoline to cleanse wounds, strikes a match, and watches it all burn to the ground.  The glee he feels in this inferno is obvious, and I sometimes wonder if feeling me realizes the damage he is doing to us both with the flames start to take hold. I doubt feeling me is that smart, and logical me doesn't give a shit, so here I am a rag, and some gasoline, I have the feeling this decision is about to make it very hot in here. 


Colby said...

Wow. I've been gone a long time, and I've been missing this??!! I loved reading this (for the writing)despite the obvious anguish developing from the tug of war between your two selves.

The Grand Inquisitor said...

welcome back, glad you came back and stopped by. thanks for the comment, and yes you've been gone a long time