Friday, August 10, 2007


The Which Looney Tune Are You Test
Your Score: Yosemite Sam!
You scored 85 Aggression, 28 Sophistication, and 28 Optimism!
A low-down, ruff, tough, and mean varmint, your aggressive energy, vulgar attitude, and cynical outlook make you one mean SOB when angered. Little scares you, much annoys you, and a pin-drop can set you off. This is not all bad however, your anti-social adventuring spirit leads you to blaze trails other fear to tread. You could really find your place on the frontiers of civilization daring to take the risks others would only dream of and reaping rewards they can only envy. For good or bad, you'll never back down from a fight. You might want to think about medication or therapy however...

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Dear Doctor K

Dear Doctor K,

Thank you so very much for the gentle prostate exam, even though it took your office three days to call me back and schedule an appointment, it was time well spent. I mean it just gave me three more days to think something serious just might be wrong with me. It gave me a chance to reflect on mortality. Notice I did not say MY mortality, I was reflecting on someones mortality other than mine, I will leave it to your imagination to guess who's. Anyhoo, I would also like to thank you for telling me the first test I had to undergo was useless. Nothing like enduring an hour of humiliation, and pain (and missing work to boot) for no good reason. I appreciate the kind and gentle way you requested me to drop trou and bend over. The exam itself was a pure delight. What little innocence I had was lost that day, and for that you will always be special to me. I also greatly appreciate the next test you sent me to as well. Having to drink a thick, milky, substance that tasted like cat piss was an experience I will just HAVE to write in my diary. The over talkative tech performing the test was also an added bonus. Finally, last but certainly NOT least. I would love to express my gratitude for you getting my test results the next day, calling me back, and then NOT telling me the results. That was just top notch, letting my overactive imagination run away with me while one of your Nazi minions explained to me that you would be off of work the next two days, and I could come in and "see you" on the day you came back was fan-fucking-tastic. I certainly did NOT wish to hear my test results any sooner, after all I am only a mere mortal not a god-like Adonis in a fancy white coat. How could I be made to possibly understand all those big words contained in my test results. Without a doubt I really want to drive the 15-20 miles to your office just to have you read something to me, and then schedule ANOTHER bloody test. Which of course would require another drive to East Bumble. Certainly all these office visits are libre are they not? You would not think of charging my insurance for just a little hand holding chat, would you? I certainly am in love with the idea of NOT knowing what, if anything, is wrong with me until it is convenient for you to tell me. After all, it is your world the rest of us we are just paying rent. I can not help but think all of this unpleasantness could have been avoided somehow if maybe you treated me like a functioning, intelligent, human being capable of understanding the basic functions of the human body. Because, and let me be clear on the point Doctor, I am a intelligent, functioning human being, and I understand more about the human body MY human body that you realize. Never make THAT mistake again, and maybe your children will love you a little more. So it is with very little sadness, and no tears that I have to inform you, Doc, that your special, god-like services are no longer required by me. That's right Doc, to use a tired, old Donald Trump phrase "You're fired!"

P.S. Finally, I want to leave you with an example of how you made me feel. Stay with me and pay attention because I think it will help you gain a better understanding of the non-gods of the world. Let's turn the tables, and pretend YOU dear Doctor had to come see ME at MY job. For the uneducated I am a prosecutor. If you are seeing me you are either a victim (something I cannot imagine a godlike fellow such as yourself ever being), or you are in a spot of trouble. For our purposes let's say you are the latter. Picture yourself arrested and drug downtown to the Criminal Justice Center. No one will tell you anything as to why this has happened, they just say you need to see someone. Sadly for you, that someone is me. Now I am a nice, fat, jolly, guy and when they escort you in to see me I tell you this Well, Doctor K, you have committed a crime, and we are going to charge you with it, and I know what it is, and what sort of punishment it carries, and if you will ever see the light of day again. I am sure that makes you feel a little scared, but maybe this will help. Today is Thursday. I want you to go home to your family, and tell them that you will know what crime you are going to be charged with and the possible punishment/jailtime you face, and all the other ramifications on your future sometime MONDAY afternoon. Now you try to have a nice day and weekend. I hope your family dinners aren't too awkward.