ilska

Anger is the one thing that I seem to have an abundance of. Ask people who know me, and they will tell you that I seem to have an anger grudge against large portions of the world at large. I wish I could say that was not true, but it is. I have enough anger to make the 12 Angry Men seem like kittens playing with a ball of yarn. Generally speaking my anger is over with quickly. I finally get enough of it built up inside of me, and I blow it off. Quickly, suddenly, and with any real damage done. Screaming a few curse words is quite cathartic, and good for the bowels. In fact, I am rather angry right now. The keyboard is replacing the throat of the person(s) I am at which I am angry. Rather to type it out than to wring their neck(s) like a chicken. Maybe this way only feelings get hurt. Not that I am overly concerned about too many people's feelings, my own included. Hopefully, this beer, and perhaps the next two will calm the anger I feel welling up in my heart like an ink stain spreading out over paper. If not, well then I guess I will have to finish the six pack, and hope for the best. In spite of published reports I have no problem managing my anger, and directing my anger can be quite productive. There exists a theory that if you make me particularly mad, you get the best out of me. I can not really deny that either. At times, my anger has been the driving force behind some of my best ideas/work. Sad, but true, it sometimes take getting me pissed off in order to get a reaction out of me. Not something to be overly proud of, but there it is. My anger is not the anger of injustice. No one has been so evil to me that I feel as if I have been hard done by. I am not a victim of some massive conspiracy to keep me "down," and in my place. It is just that I do not suffer fools. I used to say that I did not suffer fools gladly, but as I get older I am beginning to think that I should leave off the gladly part entirely. My anger is not that type of anger. Mine is the slow burn type of anger that is set off by people doing things I consider exceptionally stupid or annoying. It is a subjective kind of anger, and it does smack of "who the hell made you the god of deciding stupid or annoying." Well, in this case, I did. After all, it is my anger I am talking about, and I think I should be the one deciding when to let it loose. Generally it blows over like a summer rainstorm, but every once in a great while it festers like an infected wound. Luckily for me, it does not turn to hate. I have found that hating someone/thing generally only is bad for the person doing the hating. It is much better for the soul to let the anger out, and try to direct it as well as possible. Notice I said generally there are people/things, besides Tottenham, that make my eyes narrow, and my blood pressure rise. They are few and far between, but they do exist. There are grudges that I bear, and no real amount of deep breathing will help. These grudges are like a warm, familiar blanket that I can rely on for warmth, and wrap myself in on cold days. In fact, I do not want to lose, or manage my anger. Some days it is the only thing that keeps me from falling into despair. My anger is not to be confused with rage. It is an entirely different animal. Sort of like the difference between having an affair with a married person, and just fucking them. More subtle, more complex, and in some respects, more dangerous. Rage is like morning dew, a few hours of sunshine and lollipops will make it all go away. Anger is like permafrost. The sun may come out, the birds may be singing, and spring may have sprung, but anger is still there grimly holding on to whatever niche it can. My anger is easily misinterpreted, do not mistake it for caring. I am a proud, card carrying, misanthrope (see MSS below) and, do not confuse my anger for me actually caring about the human race. It is quite easy to be angry at someone/thing and, still not be overly concerned if that person/thing exists. The sheer number of people and things in the universe assure that if I am not angry at you/it, there are innumerable other people/things to raise my ire. Some misguided souls actually think it is fun to get my anger stirred up. They consider it some sort of (blood) sport, a bit like bear baiting. It is not a particularly good idea. I am not some "bad man" whom you should not dare to fuck with, but I do not forget things like that. Have your fun now, but rest assured someday, somewhere, and somehow my revenge will be shoved, none too politely down your throat. This is not a threat, it is not posturing, and it is not said with any evil intent. It is merely a fact, part and parcel of who I am as a person. Perhaps it is not the most pleasant personality trait, nor do I wear it like a badge of honour, but there it is.