Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Enemy of the People

Not actually an enemy of the people, but my own personal enemy. One of this person's stated goals in life is my downfall. They are not (in my opinion) a nice person, someone you do not take home to meet the mum and dad. This person is adroit at creating problems for me that would make the Riemann's hypothesis look like a breeze. Entangling alliances are this person's meat and drink. They (it could be a he, it could be a she, it could be a dog) are a right honour less bastard. Everyday since we became sworn enemies (we had a little ceremony with a high tea afterwards, it was very nice wish you had been there) oh so many years ago, this person has caused be untold (at least until now) amounts of grief. Every half way decent plan I manage to come up with, this person is there to foil. They are like Boris and Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle except that they are remarkably competent. So maybe I am more like Boris and they are Rocky. Damn and blast all my plans turning to dust gets old after a while. I really have to wonder at this person's ability for and stamina at causing my ruin on a daily basis. They are amazing, better than a magic act. Making the Statue of Liberty disappear would be child's play for this person, if, of course, they were not so focused at bringing about my ruination. The problems this person creates can not be solved by listening to some Dave Ramsey seminar, they are profound problems that are going to take a crane, and a construction crew several days to sort out. I am certainly incapable of keeping up with the pace. I am always about three problems behind, and those I can only half way sort out before the next calamity strikes. It is like a train wreck in a tornado that a plane lands on top of in the middle of an earthquake. Just too many things are going batty at the same time. It is more than I can bear. I am of too delicate of a constitution for all of these cluster fucks. I wish that an apology, where I a big enough person to offer one, could solve this grudge, but it can not. No amount of "I'm sorries," is going to make this person into anything but what they are already. I know not to implore them for mercy, not to beg them for forgiveness, and not to appeal to their softer side. They do not have a softer side, and truth be told, I prefer it that way. If you are going to have an enemy, not that I recommend it, you might as well have a dedicated one. After all, you have to appreciate this person's dedication to their art, even while your wheat fields are burning merrily away. They are like the love child of Genghis Khan and Ming the Merciless, not a pleasant person that you would invite over for you weekly games of canasta. Though I am not quite powerless before this disaster laden juggernaut, I do not have much more than a cardboard sword and shield with which to "keep it close, so that it is not such a blowout." This is the depressing part of it all, knowing I do not stand much of a chance, but being tossed in there anyway because I at least have to give it a shot. Who knows maybe the person will laugh at my misery so hard that they choke to death. Here's hoping.


tideliar said...

Beer or Pussy?

Cynnie said...

awww ..i wish i could help ..
Im wonderful at being pleasant and stupid..making them think they're superior to me and that Im harmless
all while Im gathering info and strength and bam.. i fuck them in the ass ..
they never see it coming ..
dont fuck with me motherfucker...
I only look sweet.

kill them with kindness dude

Lindsay said...

I love the Dave Ramsey shoutout. It's pitiful that someone is wasting so much of their time on a grudge against you. Can't think of a single other person who has ever held a grudge against you. It's just ridiculous. :^)