David the Liar

 It's a quarter to 2 a.m. in Sully's and last call is being bellowed out by Tomas the barkeep. No sign of Sully or his new, pretty barmaid, but the denizens of his place are past caring where they are. The few male patrons are looking blearily around the bar hoping to find that "last call queen" that they can take home and find solace with before the sun ruins it all. Hoping to find someone who will believe late night truths before they turn into early morning lies. I am sitting in my usual spot, alone for a blessed change, no idiot has disturbed my thoughts, and it looks like I am going to be able to stagger home and find my solace in more drink. I should have known better than to hope such a silly thing, but hope springs eternal. 

"Hello GI, what's the rumpus?" he said as he slid into the booth opposite me. I looked up and sighed. "Hello, David, what brings you over here at this hour?" He glanced at his watch, "sorry about the hour, but we both know that "last call" doesn't apply to you, and generally to whomever you're drinking with, and I could use a couple of more drinks." I nodded my assent, and walked to the bar to order us both a drink, because I knew that as always David was fucking broke. David is always, always fucking broke. 

We call him "David the Liar." He's a short fellow with thinning hair that he likes to keep on the long side, hoping (I guess) that length will make up for lack of substance, and sometimes I wonder if maybe he's right, and I am not talking about hair. Either way, David is not his real name, he used several before he decided on David. Muttering something about it meaning "friend" and how he is everyone's friend. Make no mistake David is not your friend, David has one friend in the world, David, and even then the bond is not that strong. If he could find a way to sell himself out, and profit and live, I am pretty sure he would do it. Luckily for the world, David isn't nearly as clever as he thinks. He claims, depending on to whom he is talking to, to be from the north, the west, or back east. It varies from day to day, and from person to person. He explained the system of what direction to use to me once, but I wasn't really paying attention, and plus he lies all the time, so why bother remembering it? Besides, if you every called him out on his lies, he would just spin a larger lie to explain it, and if you kept calling him out by the time the story was over David was the Czar of all of Russia, and was doing you a favor by telling you the "truth."

David does have one thing going for him. He has some startling green eyes, like emeralds they shine out of his mostly forgettable face, and they have drawn many a person into trusting his tales. I knew that behind those lovely green orbs, he had the loyalty of a cat. He seemed to have more than his share of luck with the ladies, so maybe he was a lion in the bedroom, I mean pretty eyes can only take you so far right? Other than those eyes, David was pretty nondescript, you wouldn't pick him out of a lineup (a fair amount of people have tried), and you wouldn't be dazzled by his wit. He's clever, not as clever as he thinks mind, but he mostly hides that. After all he would say "no one wants to talk to someone that is more clever than they are." Therefore, you wouldn't mind sharing things with David the Liar because you'd never think it would come back to bite you on the ass later, you would be wrong. He doesn't introduce himself as "David the Liar" and by the time you figure it out, it might be Felix time. 

Once you had the misfortune to get to know him, David would come bother you with all sorts of nonsense if he thought it could make him some coin, or get him a few drinks. I had conducted a lot of "business" with David. He didn't know it but I had it all written down, and stored in a very safe location, just in case I needed it. Lie to a liar for they are his coin, but keep copious notes just to be on the safe side.  Memory (or so they say) sometimes fails us, but a well written copy of the proceedings can make the difference between your bed, and a bed at the "Felix Arms."  The benefit of David the Liar was that you knew he was lying, if he was talking, he was lying. If he told the sky was blue, you should walk outside and verify it. Lying came as natural to him as breathing underwater comes to a fish. His true talent lay in lying by omission. You had to pay careful attention to his lies, not for what he was saying, but for what he was leaving out. He was a craftsman at omitting details, and facts that would change the entire complexion of a story. You had to be on your toes when he decided to regale you with the "facts as he knows them" (a favorite saying of his).  Don't get me wrong, David the Liar could lie in every way known to man, and maybe a couple that have yet to be discovered. He was not a one trick pony. He is a very, very tricky bastard. 

I was far from the only person that David the Liar conducted his "business" with and I knew it. He knew that I knew it as well, but he would always try to convince me that whatever lie he was spinning at the moment it was just for me, and no one else. Of course, I knew that he was telling whatever other person/people the same lie about the lie, and I put no stock in that little disclaimer. Again, if David was talking, David was lying. I had on many occasions sworn to myself to just stop listening/talking to him, but he would always come back with some lie that had just enough truth mingled in with it, that I would buy him a drink, and listen to it in the hopes that something in the stew of shit he was pedaling would be a carrot of truth. I was usually disappointed, David the Liar is very disappointing though he doesn't realize it. David didn't know it (yet) but I knew his real name, I knew where he was actually from, and I knew that half of the jobs he'd claimed to have had, and half of the experiences he related to his marks were actually lifted from the life of someone he once knew. I also knew what had happened to that "special" someone, but I wasn't about to share all this information with David the Liar. It might sour our relationship beyond repair, and I wasn't ready to do that, at least not yet. I had a use for David the Liar.

I slid back into the booth, and pushed his drink towards him. "So, David what is the story tonight?" He gulped his drink, and looked up "No story, just the facts as I know them." I rolled my eyes "Christ David it's nearly 2 in the fucking morning, let's cut to the chase shall we, I've got plans tomorrow." He laughed "I know you've plans, and I know who they are with, and you might want to change them considering the facts." "OK David what are the facts." I asked hoping to shorten the length of his lie. "Well GI" he said smugly "it's 2 a.m. and do you know where she is?" He put up a hand to forestall my speaking, "don't give me the unattached pronoun speech, you and I both know who "she" is, and don't pretend otherwise." I knew who he meant, but was surprised by his knowledge maybe David the Liar had better sources that I had thought. "OK David, where is she, and who are they with?" He proceeded to tell me, and I began to laugh. "David, my lad for a second there I thought you had better sources than I had thought. You once again disappoint me, my 'friend'. I've known that for hours, I know the who, I know the where, and I even know the why." He arched an eyebrow at the last part, and I smiled "the why is for the oldest reason in the world." I motioned him to lean in closer, and decided to get my money's worth. I whispered to him "I know your real name is ______, and I know it means "paid for." Now you can figure out the why can't you?" With that I got up, left enough money for the drinks I had bought him, and a couple more besides, and walked out leaving David the Liar very perplexed. Happy April Fools' Day you mugs.