A Romantic Death

On this day, X number of years ago the Romantic made a decision that would ultimately lead him to receive the knife between the ribs that killed him. I know this because I have, finally, completed my exhaustive investigation into the many records he left behind him. Truth be told, today is the anniversary not of the beginning of the decision that would kill him, but the end of the beginning. He had put his feet on the path that lead to his demise about 60 days or so earlier, although it took him 30 days to figure out that he was headed the right direction. He never was the swiftest horse in the stable, and sometimes things just were beyond his understanding until they were spelled out for him. Which may be the reason he (and myself) were/are such terrible spellers. We've also been accused of writing with the skill of a poorly educated 13 year old, but I suppose that's never stopped us before (though it has given us considerable pause, and is part of the reason for the dearth of posts lately).

It seems that the Romantic not only liked to flirt with death, he liked to invite him home with him, have a romp with it, and then buy it cookies. No wonder the damn fool came to a bad end. With that kind of cavalier attitude towards death it is a wonder he managed to stay alive as long as he did. Perhaps the gods do smile on fools and children. However, it is no wonder that his death was as messy as it was, he just couldn't fathom certain things that when told to him were untrue.  It was that inability to discern a lie when it was told to his face (no matter how pretty the teller, or how pretty the lie) that distinguishes the two of us. I have a tendency to believe no one about much of anything, no matter what the situation or who they are. If you expect the worst out of people or things then when it happens (as it usually does) then you are rarely disappointed. I am not sure it is a better approach that my Romantic friend, but I think it will at least make the knife I get in the ribs (which I am sure awaits me at some point) less of a surprise and more of a relief.

The decision he made that day cannot be changed, and for better or worse I am still dealing with the results of it today. Maybe the anniversary thing has made me maudlin, or maybe it is just the need to write something, anything no matter the topic, and this was the only thing I could come up with last night before I passed out asleep, but it does feel like a release to be "writing" again even if it like a poorly educated 13 year old. My investigation into the records the Romantic left behind has been quite the education. The problem is I am not sure what the education is actually going to teach me. Sometimes it feels like he is trying to teach me maths, but my textbook is about German. Like sitting down to lunch, ordering a steak, and the waiter brings you chicken salad "because he thinks it's better for you." It is a twisted record, and although it is linear in nature it is still, at times, very difficult to follow. I know what I am supposed to be looking for in the record, but sometimes the Romantic took the long way around to get what he wanted or to express what he meant, and I have to follow that meandering trail, and try not to get lost in the forest of his obfuscation.

He had to be vague for reasons that need not detain us here, but sometimes vagueness can lead to a major misunderstanding, and since he is no longer around to question about his intent or his motives, one must be cautious with the conclusions that one tries to draw. I have been able to ascertain that he had a plan, a goal, and a future in mind when he did what he did X years ago. I don't think (though I am not sure) that the plan was fully developed on that anniversary day. I believe that he had the outlines of an idea, but was taken off guard when the idea was accepted by the other party as something they were on board with doing. Typical of the idiot that he was, he basically just closed his eyes and hoped for the best, and when the best happened, he was completely taken off guard. Like hitting a bullseye with your eyes closed. Fortune favors the brave, as the saying goes, and he was brave in his own way, probably as an offshoot of him also being stupid. He was just too dumb to be afraid, and when things didn't fall to shit at the beginning, he was committed, and that is when (I believe) the plan came into being. He talked about the "plan" gave it a name, and sketched it out with just enough detail to give you the general idea, but not too much as to make it easily apparent to anyone else.

In his defense, and I have no real desire to defend him, he was not the only "sinner" that day. The decision he made required a partner, like the getaway driver at a bank robbery, and his partner probably knew more about what was going to happen that day than he did. It doesn't excuse his stupidity, but it does goes a little way in helping us understand it. The less said of that partner the better their "guilt" in this conspiracy against common sense is their burden let them bear it, if they can. That they put the Romantic on the path to destruction should bother them, but if it doesn't there isn't a lot I, or anyone else can do about it. We have to "push our own rock up our own hill" and for his partner that is between them and whatever god/fate they choose to believe exists. It is not for us to judge, even though it is difficult not to do, it is still not our place. Their role in the passion play that led to the death of the Romantic is significant, but my fate is no longer entwined with theirs. The record is pretty clear that the "plan" the Romantic formulated, was agreed to by his partner, and maybe that absolves him ever so slightly from the charge of being an absolute idiot.

Another sad conclusion that I can draw from the record is that he would probably do the same thing again given the chance. Hindsight is 20/20, and we all hope we learn from the mistakes of our past, but given his track record, it is my opinion that, if he were alive, (and we thank fuck daily that he's not) he would follow the exact same path again. It is one of the multitude of reasons that the knife had to go into his ribs. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, was not a saying that the Romantic seemed to understand. At some point doing the same thing and expecting difference results puts one on the road to the madhouse, and his inability to understand that lead him to the grave. Maybe, just maybe that is the way he wanted it. He was (as he mentions in the record several times) a man out of touch with his time, and maybe he realized that he was never going to get "in step" with the times, and this was his solution. He might have seen the problem as unsolvable, and taking that into account decided that the world needed one less Romantic. Lacking the courage to do it himself he managed to walk himself into the knife wielded by someone else with more sense. Perhaps it was an attempt at release or redemption.  Release from the inescapable prison of his "rinse and repeat" life, or redemption for the sins of his youth. 

The good news, if there is to be any good news, is that the death of the Romantic wasn't the end of the story, a new, hopefully brighter (in more ways than one) regime has taken over after the Romantic's demise, and for now things seem to have regained a sense of normalcy, or at least as close to normal as we can get. Yesterday's tragedy is tomorrow's triumph due to today's steadfastness.