Shell Game

"Sit down" I said a little more harshly that I had intended, but I had had a rough day, and the person I was "asking" to sit down had contributed to that in no small measure. I was really not in the super sparkly mood to play nice. With them or anyone else.  I received a slightly arched eyebrow at my tone, and my command, but I figured if that was the worst reaction I was going to get, then things were going to go smoothly. I knew better, but hope springs eternal.  I decided to just go ahead and press my luck, after all it was going to fall to shit anyway, might as well get it over with sooner rather than later. "Is there anything you'd like to tell me?" She looked puzzled, and replied "about what?" I smiled "well I'm not too concerned about the state of the nation, or the condition of the pork belly market, so just in general, is there anything you'd like to tell me?" "No" she said and shook her head. She has the great ability to shut down when faced with conversations she deems "unpleasant" and we had had several of those recently. So many that I began to call her shutdowns "going turtle" she didn't like it, but she did agree that is what she did.

"Well, since you've gone turtle again, I suppose I'll do all the talking. I hope the acoustics in your shell are good enough for you to hear me clearly, because I don't plan on saying this more than once, and I want to be clear." Another nod, this one briefer than the first. Another way of showing her retreat into her shell. The shorter the nod, the further back she had gone. It was a simple, but efficient way of trying to avoid things, and she had been doing it for years (and not just with me). I was in no mood to play turtles, "I'm in no mood to play turtles, so I am going to try to make this clear. The crux of the reason I've asked you here to talk, even though I know you won't do much talking, is that I have grown weary. Weary of hearing a set of things coming out of your mouth on a daily basis, and then watching you perform acts (well I don't get to see them, but you understand my meaning) that are the polar opposite of what you say." She actually opened her mouth to respond, but I wasn't in the mood. "No, for once stay in your shell." I said as I put up a forestalling hand. "I've no great desire to be interrupted at the moment, and plus I've been practicing this speech for a while, and it needs to be said, and today is the day I'm going to say it. You don't exactly owe it to me to listen, but it would be the decent thing to do, and if you have any shred of decency left, which I am beginning to seriously doubt, you'll just sit there and listen." She flushed red at that last bit, and I could tell she didn't like it, but then again her recent behaviour had lead to my doubts to begin with, and she knew it. She knew she could sputter some attempt to justify herself, but that I wouldn't even bother to listen, so she kept her excuse to herself. Better that way.

"Certainly words, and actions don't always have to march in lock step with each other, and we all say a lot of shit that we don't really mean. Especially in the 'heat of the moment', and we've had a lot of moments." I hoped she knew how I meant that, because it wasn't meant to be kind, she was a relatively clever lass (at one point at least), and I saw the anger flare again in her eyes, and knew that my point had been made. "But your actions and words aren't even going the same direction, they aren't on the same path, and they have two, very different destinations." I won't waste my breath, or insult your intelligence by sketching out the words, and the actions of which I speak. You know what you say, after all you are the one saying it, and you know what you do because again, you are the one doing it. The doing is a bit vague at times, and I wonder if you don't think I'm clever enough to catch on to it, but rest assured I am. After all this time you of all people, should know that. I am going to pretend, for my sake, that you do, and you either don't care or you somehow think that your actions and words are reconcilable. They aren't and that is the reason for this little tete a tete."

"Of course your problem, whether you know it or not (or care which I'm not sure you do), is that the fellow you would want to hear your words and see your actions is dead. That Romantic fool that you took for a merry ride has shuffled off this mortal coil, and I am here as his replacement. You knew that, I told you that, and yet you didn't deem it necessary to change your words or your behaviour. Pity that, because it makes a significant difference to me. You know which one I am, I've told you that too, if you were paying attention, and I think you were, you know I'm the Rationalist, and I am a different kettle of fish from that fool the Romantic. I killed him, this you know as well, I've told you that too, it wasn't hard, but it wasn't exactly the pinnacle of my career. I took very little pleasure in the act, but then again I also do not mourn the daft bastard. He had to die, in order that I might live, and in the game of "it's you or them" I pick them to get the short end of the stick, or in this case the pointy end of the knife. Putting the knife into him was necessary, and watching the light fade from his eyes was the price of keeping myself alive, it had to be done, for the greater glory of us all."

"The pity, at least for you, is that the Romantic wouldn't be having this conversation with you. He would tear himself apart trying to reconcile your actions and your words. The logical inconsistency of them would drive him mad, and he wouldn't rest until he figured it out. The problem for him is that he would NEVER figure them out, he wasn't that clever, another reason he had to die, and he would continue to bash his head against that brick wall until he was brain dead. He would desperately want to believe your words, and to be fair, they were sweet words, words he wanted to hear and sincerely wanted to believe. But, you knew that didn't you? After all, that's why you said them. He wasn't too complicated our Romantic, he confused easily, and wanted to believe those honeyed words. He was mad for sweets, and your words were like a jolt of sugar for him. One thing you and him had in common was that you are/were (in his case) cowards. Yours is the cowardice of avoidance, his was the cowardice of belief. Two very distinct types, but cowards nevertheless."

"No, sadly for you, I am here now and I quite simply don't give a fuck. I will not allow myself to give a fuck. Giving a fuck is what got him the knife in the ribs. It's a hard life to not give a fuck. People actually expect you to give quite a lot of fucks in your day to day life. It can be exhausting to try to pretend to give a fuck, I mean I'm not exactly a savage. I do, on too many occasions than I want, find myself pretending to give a fuck that someone's child is ill, or that the elderly gran of another has passed away, or that someone's dog finally learned to not shit on the Persian rug. Yes, a lot of my day is whiled away pretending to give an actual fuck about mundane things. Therefore, when you coming waltzing in here with your words saying X and your actions saying Y, I can't be bothered to give an actual fuck. I will not lose precious hours of sleep pondering the difference, I will not worry myself sick about which one of the two to believe, I will not skip meals because I pondering which is really "true" X or Y.  As far as I can tell, the only person who gives a fuck about me is me. Therefore, as the self-appointed custodian of my own mental health, I am not going to play this game just to keep things going."

"It is up to you to figure this mystery out, if you mean the words, that's just grand. As I said they are lovely words, and if I thought you meant them I might actually consider believing them. Notice I said consider, for that is the best I can promise (and it is dependent on your ability to convince me you mean them), and it's probably better than you deserve. Or, if on the other hand, your actions are the true indication of your character (or lack thereof) then you and I have nothing further to discuss. You can stop with the pretty words, and take yourself (and others) straight to hell.  Either way, it's your decision. I am pretty certain I know the answer, but I will let you have the final say in the matter. Call it my one act of kindness. Because, sister I am not that kind, and you made a murderer out of me. The vengeance that I took in your name was not a pleasant sight, and if I gave a fuck, it might actually haunt me, but we have covered that ground already. Also, I am not certain that my vengeance is finished, but that need not concern you overmuch."

"Well, that's about all I've got. I know it's a lot, and I don't expect an answer right now, or maybe ever, knowing you as I do, but somethings just have to be said out loud for their own sake. You can make of it what you wish, or you can ignore it in its entirety. I am not hard to find, nor am I difficult to talk to (at least in my opinion) you should know your own mind, and I would appreciate the benefit of you sharing it with me. I figure (because of course I do) it's the least you could do, and like most people in this world doing the least you can do is usually what people pick to do." For the briefest of moments she looked like she was going to say something, then she just nodded her head, got up, said "you are wrong on so many levels", and walked out of the room. I've not seen her since.