Monday, September 14, 2009
Of X's and O's
Not a post about American football, or "gay rugby" as my drunken Scottish friend calls it, nor a post about tic tac toe. I figured it was about time for me to post about something other than my hero of the day. Although, I must confess that project is a LOT harder than I originally anticipated it being. It is bloody HARD finding all these people, and then trying to condense their heroic deeds into a blog post of reasonable length is almost more than I can bear. But, I still believe in the idea, and though I have over 3oo more heroes to find, and post about, I will struggle on to it is complete. Today's aside is about ex's and o's, so I guess the title is a bit of misdirection. I generally get along with my ex's, in spite of being a complete bastard to the majority of them, and in spite of them usually telling me to go fuck myself, I generally remain on civil terms with my ex's. In most cases, it is them that finally saw the light and dumped me, it appears I am bad at breaking up. It may take them a while (even years and years), but usually I am able to have a civil talk with them. Part of this, I believe, is due to the fact that no matter how bad the ending of a relationship, I never regretting HAVING the relationship. A few tragic one night stands notwithstanding, most of my relationships were "good." I even had an ex from about 12 years ago contact me recently to "catch up on old times." It was not the most normal conversation, she proceeded to tell me about her husband of many years, and how "she had never had an orgasm with him in all that time." Not something that I felt I needed to know, but there it is. I am fairly certain that Hallmark does not make a card for this situation. I could only mutter something that sounded vaguely comforting. That is the kind of relationships I generally have, even after ending, and not speaking to each other for over a decade, she felt able to tell me that kind of detail about her life. I am not sure if she is just crazy, or I am just a great shoulder to cry upon. I just put it down to the general way my relationships evolve (or devolve) over time, and did not think too much about it. Till recently that is. For the first time in my life I am looking back over one of my ex-relationships, and thinking that perhaps the whole thing was a mistake. I mean, of course it was a mistake because it ended badly (I think all relationships end badly, or they would not end), and this one was not some spectacular ending that people gossip about at the water cooler. No death threats, or violent screaming matches marked its ending, it just ended. There was a little fanfare at its funeral, but really and truly nothing out of the ordinary. I am not sure what possessed me to enter into the relationship to begin with, well that is not entirely true, I have a fairly good idea why I "entered" it. I am also not sure if it is a sign of personal growth that I realize how big of a mistake it was to even have the relationship at all. I am going to pretend that it is a good thing, even if it isn't. Though in some very real respects, it makes me very sad to admit to myself the mistake(s) I knew I was making.