Years

 All these years, where have I been? I am here, I am looking around for an answer to a question that I am afraid to ask. She said you are not the man you used to be, and I said neither is this guy. As I stood there next to the light switch that had shown the bright light on the betrayal I knew was happening, but was too confused to accept, I had no real words to say. No great wisdom to impart to the woman that had made my son. She just laid there with no real excuse, and did what most people in her situation would do, she blamed me. Not the worse idea in the world, I wasn't blameless. Few of us are. I had, in retrospect, perhaps taken her loyalty for granted. That was my mistake. One that I should have known better than to make, but here I was making the fuck out of it. I always say that if you are going to make a mistake, make it a big one, and here I was refusing to learn from another mistake.

I wish that I was strong enough to just walk away, but I am not the swiftest horse in any stable. I just stood there like the ever increasing moron that I was becoming, and tried to make sense of it all. I could only think of the time that I had lost with her, time that I would never find again. Time being one of the more precious things that we humans have was something not to pissed away like this, but here I was looking at her, and realizing that years of my life were circling the drain. A drain that I didn't have a lot more of years to tip into to. I wanted something beautiful to say, I wanted something to make the light behind her dead eyes relight, but I knew it was pointless. 

It was like swimming in fables, Aesop didn't have a story for this. Her words were weapons, violent ones. Ones that made me want to just be left to the wolves. Let them circle me like the dying buffalo I was, at least to them, let them feed. I just wanted something to say that wouldn't fade away. Something that was beautiful enough to break its way through the walls of her betrayal. But I wasn't then, or probably ever that clever. Cleverness doesn't run in my family, and I doubt that even if I had been clever enough to say something pithy to her it would have made much difference. 

I began to calculate steps away from her. After all, where the fuck else did I have to go? It wasn't like I had some sort of fall back plan. We had, in a moment of madness (at least for me) made a whole lot of promises that I thought were in need of keeping. Away was the only place I had to go, away is not a happy place. Away isn't the south of France on a yacht with Nichole Kidman on my arm or in my bed. No, away was to a dark, dark place where most people don't want to be. She looked up at me with the brown eyes that I had been foolish enough to fall into, and said "I can't explain this, I was so in love in you, and then I wasn't. It was just like falling off a cliff."

I just looked at her, and said "a tout a l'heure." To her credit, and I am not in the business of giving her credit, that was when she knew that we had become enemies. Shockingly enough, I have very few enemies. But those that have made themselves into enemies know it. I do not fuck around. I follow the Roman theory, I create a wasteland, and call it peace. It is something we can count on to the end. There are no embraces after we have become enemies. Why would there be? We didn't just drift apart. We were ripped apart. 

To be fair to her, which is better than she deserves, I wasn't prefect for her, I am not some sort of saint that was hanging on the cross and being told to "come down we need the wood." I  had put my arms around the waist of another woman. However, that was just a moment of temporary weakness, or at least to me. For all my stupidity, I wasn't going to piss away her. She was, in theory, all of that and a box of chocolates too, But here I was looking at an angel from nightmare. Her laying there, unrepentant, blaming me for her betrayal. All I could hear was her voice of treason telling me the lies she wanted me to believe.

They (whoever the fuck "they" are) that only your friends can betray you. The theory is that if you didn't trust them to begin with, how could they betray you. I've spent way too many hours of a otherwise useless life trying to sort out this betrayal. I am, despite what most people think, given a whole lot of thought to this, and I am not as stupid as one would think. I have pondered it upon many a rock, and despite trying to shake it off, and pretend it is all OK, I have come to the somewhat sad conclusion that somehow it is all my fault. I wish, for my own sake, and the sake of ending this post on some "happy/clever" note that this wasn't true, but here I am accepting responsibility for being the type of fool that would make Prospero proud.