successeur dans l'intérêt

 This was, I thought, the last thing the Romantic ever wrote. It turns out I was wrong. It's not very good, but I feel it should be published. After all, he wrote it in the throes of dying, and we all want that "don't let it end like this, tell them I said something" moment.




You won't thank me for this even if you bother to read it, which knowing you as well as I do, I know that you won't.  I have been assured that I can't  know you because you don't exist and that you are a figment of the imagination of my demons. Demons that come out from under the bed, or out of the closet at 3 a..m. to raise hell with my logical, unsuspecting mind. If I am wrong, (which I'm not) the sentiment is the same to the eventual fool be they friend or stranger who takes the position I once held. That position will be filled, because that is just the nature of things, it is just a question of when, not if. The who only matters in the scheme of whether I'm as good as puzzling things out as I think I am (and I am, forget that to your cost). Therefore, this is mostly an exercise in futility, which is fine because you will, when you "exist" officially or not, soon enough figure out that your newly minted status will also be that as well, futile to the point of despair. However, that will be a "you" problem at the time it happens, and while I hope to be around to see it, I am quite sure I will give exactly zero fucks when it does. This is the only attempt at "help" you will get from me, and since I won't publish it directly to you, and you are too lazy to read it, it is the exact amount of help you deserve. Which is to say none. I never claimed to be a nice person, but (if you exist and you are who I think you are) you "know me so well" that you knew that already. I will do you the favour (that you don't deserve), and tell you what will be the outcome of your new adventure. She will do to you what she did to me (which is you), because how do you think I got to precede you? She will make a muppet out you just like she did me,because people are sometimes horses, and it pays to know past performances, they do sometimes predict the future. 

 You should enjoy being my "successeur dans l'interet." It isn't a bad gig at first, and you are in that first bloom. Everything is new, and whatever trick you pulled to become the new one is still working. I know the trick I used, but I am not sure it will work for everyone, and I am not exactly sure if it would work on her again. I suspect that the length of my "reign" would make her less likely to fall for my trick again. The good news is that I think she is more likely to fall for a simpler trick than the one I used. Whatever trick you use(d), it will work for a while,  and during that time you are going to have a whole shit ton of fun in the place where we all want these things to go. You'll get there (I suspect you probably already have, but I've no proof), and you will get there many times. It will be a mind blowing (among other things) experience. You will swear all sorts of lies during that time, and so will she. She will rave about the "best they've ever had" and all sorts of other nonsense that you will believe mainly because you want to believe it. You shouldn't because while I am sure you are a talented fellow (I was sure I was too), you aren't the best. No one is, in this case "best" equates to "latest." Forget that to your cost. We always believe every word that comes out of a beautiful woman's mouth, and while some people doubt the beauty of your oracle, you don't. Therefore, you'll believe that lie, and the many, many others you are going to hear, and trust me mate, you'll hear plenty of them.

The newness is sort of like buying a new car, it's shiny, it's probably a newer model than the one you had, maybe it goes a little faster, is a little sleeker, and has all sorts of bells and whistles you aren't used to because you've been driving the same car for a whole lot of years. Take the new one out on the "expressway" of life and see what she can do. Take a couple of corners too fast, and see how she handles. Spend some time in the fast lane with the throttle down, and see if you can red line it. The glorious noises she will make will add to the pleasure of driving her, and you might find yourself thinking you could get seriously used to driving this new car forever. Don't. That is exactly the point of a new car, they are fantastic to drive at first, but eventually that first payment becomes due, and the luster starts to fade. Of course, you will not be warned of that fading, in fact you will be told quite the opposite. You'll hear all sorts of wild tales (otherwise known as lies) about how you're the best driver on the road, and how you steer with just the right amount of pressure, and how amazing you are on the straightaways. Go ahead and listen to them, but never, ever believe them. Few roads are completely untraveled, and the title of this post is the title for a reason, forget that to your cost.

 If the car analogy sails too far over your head, and it's possible that it will, think of her as a racehorse, not all ponies are created equal, and there is no Daily Racing Form to help you out in this situation. Sure she has a history, but whether you are privy to that information is up to her, and she is quite possibly an unreliable narrator. The only other historical source available to you, that you have easy access to is me. And I am certainly not inclined to help you out too much, and I am certainly an unreliable narrator. However, I will give you some tidbits to ponder over, and you can sort out which bits are true, if any, later. You will have all kinds of time to do that when things go pear shaped, and things will go pear shaped.

 Keep in mind, if you can (it will be difficult) that she is built for speed, not endurance. This is a critical thing to remember. Don't bet your money as if she's a closer, she's not, she's a front runner, and one thing that all the punters at all the tracks in all the places in the world will share with you (free of charge) is that front runners fade without fail. It is quite simply what they do, and she will as well. You won't realize that, won't want to think about it, and that will be a mistake. You have to remember the posted distance of this race. If  you get confused when you see her out in front at the quarter pole, and you start to count your money too soon, well then brother you are fucked. You won't hedge your bets, because you've been dazzled by the newness and the lies, and you'll be left clutching your, now losing ticket, as forlornly as a clown that has realized the circus left town without them.

You should be extremely reticent as to the fortune those bets you placed foretell. You aren't playing with house money. The bet you placed is your own and exactly no one else has anything at stake, and the only one that can lose when your horse doesn't come in is you. The horse just walks away to the stable and awaits the next race, it is a horse, that's just what they do. Forget that to your cost. Fast women and slow ponies will ruin your life, or at least that's how the saying goes, but you're smarter than that, smarter than me (she will tell you that), and she's your horse after all, you have to trust her right? Trust her assurances that this "race" is the best she's ever run, and the other horses can't compare (she'll tell you that too, and she makes a very compelling argument), and that even on their best day they would run a distant second to her, no matter how nice some of their legs are.

It is quite possible that you think your "finish line" and mine are different, and that it makes all the difference in the world. That may be true at the moment, but I can assure you my "line" at the beginning was the same as yours probably is now. The greatest trick she will pull, and she will pull it because that is what she does, is convincing you to move your "line."If you fall for that trick, and it will be hard not to, I wish you luck getting across it. Remember what kind of pony you've bet on, and if you think it can change its running or finishing style, then you my friend are living in a fool's paradise. If it is any consolation the population is not going to solely consist of you, the bad news is that the other residents might not be the most welcoming sort. Few of us like to admit we live in a city of fools, since that requires us admitting to be a fool ourselves. Some of them might welcome you, but do you really want to spend your time with a bunch of fools? Just because they lost their money the same way you did, doesn't make them boon companion material.

Of course, as I previously stated I think I know you and therefore think you exist, but even if I don't, even if we've never met or are never destined to meet (which I think would be the preferred theory for us both), the ideas expressed here are the same. I do not plan on welcoming you to the city of her fools. I may still reside there and there is a school of thought that says a part of me will always reside there (I feel this to be true, even though it angers and saddens me at the same time). Hers is not the only city of fools that I populate, and even though it feels like it right now, hers won't be the last. Ponies want you  to think they are running their hearts out for you, and some of them even do a bang up job pretending they are, but at the end of the day they run for themselves,and sometimes even though it will harder than Chinese math, you have to let them run away from you so hurriedly. Forget that to your cost.