Sunday, January 19, 2014

Le droit de l'homme

'I am not the right man' I said as she attempted to make coffee that wouldn't taste like rat poison. She wasn't much in the kitchen, but had other skills that made up for kitchen deficiencies. She looked up at my words, with what I assumed was a tart reply. But, before she could let loose with her verbal riposte, I said 'and neither is he.' That caused the untimely demise of some crockery in the kitchen sink, and I new that 'the battle' was now well and truly joined.

That battle was not the first of the uncivil war that we had waged against one another for slightly over a year, but it was to be the last, and as it turned out the most deadly.  'Me and him are same sides of different coins, neither of which are the currency of the realm.'  Those were not the words she wanted to hear, but I felt the need to say them while I could. I knew, and she knew that this was the last stand of a relationship that vultures had been circling for a while.  Part of the reason that the relationship was on the road to perdition was the fact that 'he' existed. Not that she had gone actively looking for my 'replacement', but it appeared (at least to me) that she had found him. Obviously, this was a bit disconcerting to me, and I am afraid that I did not react quite as well as I should have to this news.

"He's going to leave you one day, just as sure as the sun rises in the east, and you know this as well." She liked that comment even less, and the flash of anger in her eyes lit them up like a Christmas tree. It was a warning sign that I should have had the sense enough to heed, but since I figured this was our last rodeo, I blew through the sign like the proverbial bull in the china shop.  At this rate I figured the expression in for a penny in for a pound would be my guiding principle. "You arrogant prick, do you really believe that just because you lack the humanity that every other human seems to possess, that you have the right to predict my future?" she asked that with some real heat, and truth be told I guess she rather had a point. It took a very long moment for me to reply 'yes, I do.'

"I don't know the man sweetie, I know the type.' I said very carefully. If only I had exhibited such care in our relationship, perhaps this moment in time would have been avoided, but I didn't and so here I was listening the death knell of yet another failed relationship ring ever so loudly in my ears.  The sound, though metaphorical, was still quite deafening.  It wasn't that I was trying to sink my own ship, or cut off my own nose to spite my face, it was just that I could not seem to stop myself. The self-destructive streak that she always accused me of having was asserting itself, and it seemed beyond my power to stop. Very slowly she said "The type? You know the type? Let me tell you something you arrogant ass, you are the type." "The flaws you claim he has you possess in spades, and what's more you know it, and you don't seem to give enough of a shit to change."

I suspect she rather had a point, but I was not in the mood to take a hammer to my soul and help her dismantle me anymore.  My flaws, so very numerous if you were to believe her, were not something that I felt the need to bring out into the light. "But, I know you aren't going to listen to me, which I suspect is your privilege and your right. Just remember that when the end comes that I predicted, I won't be around to say that I told you so.'  I continued before she could disagree 'You seem to think that just because he's there, or rather here that he is the answer to your questions. I can assure you that is not true, the questions you have aren't to be answered by a man, any man, and especially not this one.'

The next words she directed (hurled would be a more correct way of putting it) are not quite fit to print. They were harsh words (in my opinion), they were true words (in her opinion), and they were the last words that we ever spoke to one another as a 'couple'.  The decoupling that took place that night was, in the grand scheme of things, necessary, and I would wager she would tell you (she certainly wouldn't deign to speak to me) that it was probably the best thing to happen to her in years. Perhaps I was wrong about the other fellow not being the right guy, time I suppose will tell. The odds are at present against me being correct in my assessment, but time both heals and deals all wounds. The wounds that we inflicted upon each other that tempestuous night probably aren't ever going to fully heal.  Though I suppose I should at least thank her for directing those harsh, true (if you add both our opinions together) at the right man, me. 

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