Sunday, June 28, 2009

This War

See those lovely brown spots? They are not some ancient symbol of infertility, or some crop circle some slack jawed farmer in Iowa found one day while out milking the cows. No, those sweet, sweet brown spots are what happens to my lawn after about ten days of 101 degree heat with no rain. Not even a mist or some dew to slacken the raging thirst of my grudge against the world grass. After Mother Nature's attempt to assassinate me, war was declared, and has been progressing quite well for my troops. You see without rain, i.e. water green shit dies. It dies a slow, painful, horrible death. Slowly withering away to a brown husk of its former self. Tough, and I am sure that if grass could feel pain (here's hoping) it sounds like a painfully shitty way to die. As I previously posted nothing green can stay, and Mother Nature's head on a silver plate would be a lovely way for this war to end. Once the rains of May give way to the sizzling heat of June, and the mind numbing heat of July my forces(meaning myself and various tools of minor destruction) will be triumphant. Until Mother Nature decides she has had enough, or brings the rain, I control the water supply that my lawn, and it various minions of Mother Nature receive. Would you care to guess how much water that is going to be? Let's go with none, nada, rein, zilch, the big ZERO. I am not a cruel man. The thought of perhaps giving the lawn a snippet of water once a week has crossed my mind. Sort of a new, improved water torture. Give it just enough water to not die, but not enough to keep it alive. Fairly wicked of me it is not? However, mercy is a sign of a civilized man, and I am the model of civility (ask anyone they will tell you). I do not wish to prolong the death throes of Mother Nature's denizens on my property, in fact the quicker they wither and die the better for everyone involved. This was never meant to be fun for anyone. It simply became a test of wills, and a matter of principle, and while the civility comment above might be horseshit, ask those same people if I have principles shot through with an iron will to achieve what I set out to do. I will leave Mother Nature high, and will leave Mother Nature dry on the property that I own. I repeat for her benefit nothing green can stay.


chall said...

but brown spots and dust will turn into mud when the rain starts again.... not to mention smelling bad and giving dusty air when the wind blows when it is all dead.

then again, I really like the green alive stuff ;)

Lindsay said...

But flowers are pretty.

Cynnie said...

fuck grass..
I'm all about cement..
I have never understood having little patches of grass growing..

flowers are pretty and shit but grass is useless