Monday, March 17, 2008

Who Wants to Live Forever

I just want to stop. I want to stop being myself, stop existing, stop having an effect (good, bad, or otherwise) on anyone or anything. Granted, I am not so arrogant to believe I have much of an effect, but I am tired of having even a minuscule one. I want to disappear completely. I want to be able to say (like Radiohead) I'm not here, this isn't happening. I want to walk through that final wall, and not be me, or anyone for that matter. I understand this is not really that hard to do in theory. All one needs to do is screw their courage up to the sticking point, and it is done. The problem (besides a lack of courage) is that despite my sincere lack of belief, I just can not be sure that I will not be trading one level of existence for another (possibly worse) level. I suppose it solves my immediate problem, but who knows (answer NO ONE!) what I get in return. Perhaps, this is my Kierkgaardian earthquake, an existential crisis of my unfaith. Perhaps I would kill for just a little bit of faith, even if it is a negative faith. At this point, I am willing to take a negative anchor, any anchor will do. I had (yes at my age it is time to admit HAD) such potential, and I have bottled it completely. The time has passed where any hope remains that I will manage to get my shit together and accomplish anything. Failure is not an accomplishment. Pissing my limit talent(s) away is not an accomplishment. There is little to no chance that I will accomplish anything worthwhile in the remainder of my life. This is not a pity party or a cry for help, it is a simple, logical, inescapable fact. Also, it is (as far as I can tell) entirely my own fault. I have to stand at the bar, and plead guilty to a wasted life. Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Ship me off to my own private Devil's Island, and close the book on me. Perhaps before I go I can make a few Public Service Announcements on the pitfalls of failure. I do not wish to see or been seen. Don't take a picture, don't make a scene, and for pity's sake don't follow my example.


Anonymous said...

Sounds like you have made self-destruction a way of life. Why not take your background and education and use it to help others? How miserable it must be to live a self-centered life when you have so little regard for the self it's centered around.

Cynnie said...

aww punkin ..everythings going to be alright ..
it's always alright eventually ..

what do you want baby?

The Grand Inquisitor said...

hmm anonymous, if you know me well enough to comment on my background and education, shouldn't you know me well enough to know my thoughts about "others"?

Cynnie said...

fuck others?

Anonymous said...

This is something store-bought cookies cannot help. Are you going to make me bake??


Lindsay said...

You are WAY too young to make any statements about total-lifetime failure. You could walk out your front door tomorrow, pick a new way to keep a roof over your head and become wildly successful. Or just do ok. The point is that you shouldn't write it all off yet as a grand failure. You're too stinking young!