"I hate you, you arrogant son of a bitch" she said as she sat down on the bar stool next to me. It was not exactly what I was expecting to hear on a random Tuesday at my local, but when I stole a glance over at the person making this statement, I was not surprised. "Well, hello to you too sweetheart, can I interest you in a drink?" She glared at me, again another one great at glaring. "Yes you stupid bastard, buy me a drink and I will try to pretend I don't hate every bit of your guts." I waved to Sully to bring her whatever the fuck it was she drank. Sully, being the classical trained bartender that he was, knew exactly what it was that she drank. I, on the other hand, knew that it was red, and fruity, and that was about it You would think I would know what it was, but I had no clue. Another entry on my list of sins according to her.
"I don't think you fully understand how much I hate you" she said with real conviction. I took a long, slow sip of my beer, sat it down and said "well I've a pretty good idea, but feel free to clue me into what exactly it is that inspires such emotion." She let out a small laugh, "that's the problem with you, you stupid bastard. You've no idea why I hate you as much as I do. I could have said I love you and your reaction would have been the same." This peaked my interest, and I looked over at her, "well I would have preferred the latter to the former, but I suppose you are correct. As much as I hate to admit it."
I sighed, after all I had been waiting for this encounter. It wasn't a surprise that me and her had issues, a fair amount of people knew it, and a fair amount of people were very confused about whether we hated each other or were having a torrid affair with each other, thus was the confusing nature of us. "Would you like to know what I think about this, or would that just make you angrier?" She chuckled, "no you fucktard, I've no desire to know what, if anything that you think. In fact, I've a fair idea that you don't think much at all, which is the problem."
Her green eyes blazed with anger as she said these last words. They were the green eyes of a cat, and she was about as loyal as one. That was one of our major problems, neither one of us was particularly loyal to the other, or so we thought. It wasn't until after I had "betrayed" her (in her eyes at least) that I realized how loyal she was to me. After that, she never believed that I was ever capable of being loyal to her. Which was a shame, because my betrayal of her was made under circumstances in which I should have known better.
I paid the price of my "betrayal" in many ways. I lost her. Whatever she was to me. I lost the person I "betrayed" her to, and I lost a lot of self respect. I should have known better, and I should have done better, but I didn't, and no matter how many times I admitted that to her, she was not in a forgiving mood. I glanced over at her, I could feel the anger radiating off of her, she was all but vibrating with rage. "I'm a bit too drunk for this conversation, but I figure you knew that already." She laughed "of course I did, you fucking moron. I know you a lot better than I would ever admit, and I know Tuesday is a day of drinking for you, and I know you'd be doing it in this shithole."
I nodded "well I understand you are here to vilify me, and I can't say that you are wrong, but I would like to at least attempt to explain." She gave me a very, very dirty look and said "fuck you Shakespeare, you've explained it to me over and over, and all it comes down to is that you preferred fucking her over being friends with me." I shook my head and tried to think of a reply to that statement. The problem was that, godsdamn her, it was exactly on point. How do you reply to that shit? How do you tell what might have been one of the two people in the world that you trusted (and she would say of me multiple times that "___ doesn't trust anyone.") that you betrayed one of her deepest secrets to one of her "enemies."
How do you explain that you were, in fact in love with one of her enemies? How do you explain that to someone who is angry enough to murder you in your sleep? She's in no mood to listen to how your were retarded enough to believe her enemy was anything but your enemy as well, no matter how many times she fucked you. "You've no idea the way I felt about you do you?" she asked. I pondered this for a minute. I had an idea but it was more of hope than an idea, and I didn't figure that this was the time to try that theory out on her. Instead I shrugged, "well I had some hopes about what we were, but to be honest I was never exactly sure."
She rolled those lovely green eyes, "you fucking idiot, how in the hell could you have not known? I trusted you. I told you shit that I didn't tell anyone else. How, in the actual fuck, could you be so godsdamns stupid? You sat across from me in my office, at meetings, and at several bars, and we talked about this, here she waved her hands in the air to imply what "this" was. "This is why I hate you. You ignorant bastard. Even more so because you're too fucking stupid to know why."
An odd thing about a woman you've know for several years, a woman whom in spite of her theory of you, you did in fact trust, a woman that perhaps if things had been slightly different you could have made an attempt at, telling you that she hates you. It has a rather sobering effect, no matter how many pints you've managed to pour down your throat, being told "I hate you" with the conviction she had, sobers you up a bit. How do you show her how you feel? How do you tell her all that trusting bullshit, when you put a knife in her back? Stop pretending you weren't the bastard she is calling you? Admit you are the bastard she claims you are? Will either of those help? The result is the same.
I looked her in the eyes, and said "don't leave like this, I promise someday I can be the man I used to be in regards to you." She said "I wish, I really wish I could take that for the truth, but I know I can't keep believing I will ever see a change in you." She looked me back in the eyes and said "don't bother telling me anymore lies, I've heard them all before, and I understand that you'll never be the man I thought you could be." With that she stood up, and said "I imagine you'll spot me one final drink for old time sake" and walked all the way out of my life.
