Meet and Greet

She slid into the booth across from me, whilst I was in the middle of getting happily, completely drunk and said what was perhaps the craziest thing I'd ever heard. "I want to meet Felix, I am a glutton for punishment, and I think we should meet." I looked at her with disbelief, then checked my pulse to make sure I was still amongst the land of the living, and replied with real conviction "have you lost your fucking mind? No one this side of sanity wants to meet Felix. Also, that not how it works, Felix doesn't have office hours, you don't make appointments with him (no one is that mad), Felix summons you. He doesn't have a pretty blond girl that keeps his calendar. Felix doesn't have a calendar, he "requests" your presence, and he sends Mutt and Jeff to make sure you show up. It is just that simple."

She shook her pretty head (and it was quite a pretty head which is why I was trying to keep it on her shoulders) and said "you've met him multiple times, and you are not dead. How bad can he be?" I laughed loud enough to draw attention, if anyone had been paying attention, and said "how bad can he be? Think of a dragon burning a village to the ground, and eating all the children. Think of the Vikings doing the same and then selling the few survivors into slavery, think of the Nazis blitzing Poland, that is what meeting Felix feels like." She was not so easily deterred, it is a both a blessing and a curse of her. "No, no you've met him, and you are still alive and mostly well."

I snorted a laugh and replied "Alive and mostly well, sure I am that is because Felix and I have a understanding. One that prevents him from having me killed, and allows me to drink myself retarded and  as long as keep my whore mouth shut, he won't murder me in the most vile way he can think of, and trust me when it comes to murdering people Felix has a VERY active imagination. I have managed to keep my whore mouth shut for several years, hence the reason I am still alive to tell you that you do NOT want to fucking meet Felix." I wasn't sure I was making myself clear enough for her to grasp the idiocy of her request. I mean how hard of a head do you have to crack to make it clear to the other person that what they are seeking is a fool's way to dusty death? 

I liked her enough to try to explain to her that meeting Felix was probably not going to end well and I meant not end well for her. I explained to her in the simplest terms possible that, sure I had met Felix several times, and walked away not dead, but that was because Felix and I have a history. A history that I wasn't inclined to share with her at the moment, a history that I wasn't proud of, and that would not get me the sainthood I so richly deserved. Martyrdom maybe, but not sainthood. I am not a expert on church doctrine, but I think those are wildly different things.  

"Why in the fuck would I even remotely entertain the mad idea of having you meet Felix? If you want to die, there are at least three perfectly good bridges in this burg you can leap from and find yourself a simple, mostly pain free, watery death." I shook my head again, "no no a thousand times no. There are people that I want to introduce Felix to, and in due course will, but those are people that I would unalive myself if I weren't such a model citizen." 

Again the violent shake of the pretty head, "I think meeting him will allow me to understand you better, and maybe that will help me help you keep your head on your shoulders, at least for a little while." I narrowed my eyes at her and said. "What in the blue fuck have you heard about my head's desire to go out on its own without the rest of me along for the ride?" She smirked (she was not a good at smirking, it is a gift, and trust me I know some people with world class smirking ability). "Oh just rumblings amongst the "great unwashed" as you like to call them." I sighed "where in the blazes did a pretty thing like you run into the 'great unwashed', you are way too bougie to be slumming down amongst them." 

"Also, why are you concerned with keeping me alive? We aren't exactly boon companions are we? Sure we have the occasional drink, and once you fell all the way down and make the mistake of a lifetime with me, but several people have done that and didn't feel the need to end themselves by meeting fucking Felix. Just disappear out of my orbit like the rest of them, and remain alive, and probably happier, with nothing but the occasional faint smile when they remember the falling down bit. Most of them, as far as I know have risen above that little detour. Whatever regrets they may have had have been left, for the most part, unspoken. At least to me."

She started to speak again, but I held up a forestalling hand. "Listen love, Felix darkens everything he comes into contact with. If Felix goes to the circus all the clowns become the angry clowns that our mothers used to tell us scary stories about when we were children. He is an "ender" not a "mender" if you get my drift."  I finally stopped long enough to take what was a necessary stiff drink, and that allowed her to get the words in edge wise that made me reconsider her meeting Felix. She gave me her best guileless look and said "but Felix doesn't know about your latest betrayal, I do." With that she smiled sweetly, stood up, threw a coin on the table and said "buy yourself a drink on me lover boy, it might be your last one for a while." And with that she left.