My Betrayal

 For reasons I could not understand, my latest playmate forced me to walk to her. Maybe it was another act of cruelty in our dirty, little civil war, or maybe she was just curious if I could walk the 15 feet to her table or not, it didn't matter to me overmuch at the moment. I staggered over to the booth she primly occupied and slid into the seat across from her. "Sit down, before you fall down you damn fool" she said with the anger that I had come to expect from her. I did as I was told, she was one of the few people in my life that I generally 'obeyed' though I am not sure she knew it or not. I knew that this was going to be a difficult conversation, and I wasn't sure that I was drunk enough for it, but drunk or not here I was. 

"You know why we are here, don't you?" I looked at her blearily, "I have a general idea, we are here to discuss my sins, my betrayal." She nodded, "at least you are drunk enough to admit that. It took you long enough to accept it." I sighed, "I am not sure if my acceptance is the same as your acceptance, but I agree that you think I betrayed you. I have admitted this to you many times before, so why are we here?" She gave me a very,very dirty look (she was very good at giving dirty looks), and said "because you retarded bastard, I am tired of this dance. I am here to get answers."

I shrugged, "I think I have tried to give you answers before, and you didn't accept them. Why do you think that I have new and improved answers now?' She smiled "I know you, you son of a bitch. Probably better than I would like to admit, and I know you have been pondering this issue between us for a considerable amount of time. I am here to listen to what idiot excuse you've come up with this time." I tried to think of a witty reply, but I had nothing, "yes, you bitch, I have been pondering it for a long time. I have tried to convince myself that I was in the right, that you deserved my 'betrayal' as you call it. I tried to figure out why I did what I did, and what would have been different between us if I had not made that choice." 

She took a drink, glared at me, and said "I know what you said you the reason was, I know you weren't in the greatest of "head spaces" at the time, well I know that now. I did not know that then. Do you realize that I trusted you? Do you have any fucking idea how hard that was for me to do? Do you have any concept of that?" She  held up a hand, "don't answer that you fucking moron, because there is nothing you can say that will help." I was way too drunk to handle this, but I guess I had no real choice, so I was going to give it my best. "You said repeatedly said  about me that I didn't trust anybody, so why the fuck would I have believed you trusted me?"

She sighed, "because you stupid bastard, we spent an awful long time telling each other things about ourselves that other people didn't know." I shook my head, "I do not accept the fact that we were that close, you fucking hate me now, I think that if I were to turn around, you would put a blade in my back." She laughed softly, "you don't get it do you? You might be the cleverest bastard I know, but somehow still just stone, cold stupid at the same time. It's a real gift." I tried to digest that, "fine, genius tell me what I am missing then."  

She slowly stood up, and placed her money on the table. "If and it is a big if, I ever felt the need to tell you what is obvious to the entire world, except for you, this is not the time nor the place to do it. I want you a lot more sober than you are at the moment to explain this to you, even though I still doubt it will sink into your thick skull." I looked up at her, and it hit me like a surprise left that she was beautiful.  However before I could articulate what was slowly sinking into the aforementioned thick skull, she swanned out of the bar leaving me alone with my thoughts, which is to say she left me alone.